politicalpartypoop.com

“this is a bit of a blog from a while back when I was “featured” on the Vanguard News Network and received lots of interesting mail. I responded via blog, and it turned out to be mildly entertaining”

. . . to all you creepy little twits who either a) message me on MySpace, or b) keep linking to my old and obscure personal blog from that obsolete post on VanguardNewsNetwork or whatever it was called.

I’d like a few words with you. In keeping with the tone you take with me, whether you’re trying to intimidate me or get me to show you my boobies, I’m going to try and pitch this somewhere between Hannah Montana and Sarah Connor:

“Listen, fucktards. You don’t know me. You really don’t.

I’m as well-armed as you.

I’ve killed and skinned and eaten as much game as you.

Shit, son, I’ve poached more than you. At my high school, absences on the first day of any significant season weren’t counted, you know? I’ve blast-fished and spotlighted with the best of you, probably your cousins, even, while we were sipping Jack and getting away with breaking curfew because this was hunting, and Kansas, after all.

I’m probably as good a shot as you. I consistently out-shot combat veterans when I was fourteen, that was in ‘92 . . . owing for brain damage from the drugs and booze, I’m going to say I can at least hit you with what I’m shooting.

Which is another thing. I’m not Annie Oakley, and I know this. My firearm choices reflect that bit of self-awareness. I can take down a doe with a .22 magnum rifle, but if you are threatening me, the best you can hope for is a hollowpoint .38 slug to the torso—that’s if you’re lucky and catch me in the kitchen. I don’t like small calibers, (50-cent, the famed rapper, is my case in point—anyone who gets shot nine times in the torso and survives wasn’t being shot at with a weapon I’d own, know what I’m saying?) and I don’t like anything I can’t take apart and clean and put back together without dragging out the big toolbox.

Oh, and I know how to do all that, just like you.

I know as many back roads out of my city as you do yours, and I have saner havens to run to.

My bugout bag is a thing of beauty. My pre-schooler knows what a bugout bag is, and where hers is located.

I know how to steal a horse or a car or a heart, if it comes to that. I’m a woman, and therefore have more subtle resources (not to mention a more mercenary soul) at my disposal than you do. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that I’m too soft-hearted to use them.

I am the paranoid child of a reluctant veteran.

I am a mother.

I am a Libertarian.

I am a Jew.

I like black people. Brown ones, too. All sorts of colors, really; I think mutts are the prettiest, not to mention hardiest lines in any species.

I like girls that like other girls, and boys that take it up the butt. I smoke the marijuana. I’m pro-choice, and pro-family, and pro-gun, and pro-Israel.

I don’t believe in global warming; or more to the point, I believe in peak oil more.

I likes the nukyeler power.

I’ve worked phones at Immigraton, and therefore respect the ever-loving shit out of anyone who gets here by the book.

I’m teaching my kids to believe that gratitude, tolerance, and good manners will be enough to get them through both socially and spiritually, provided they own land and guns.

I’m not teaching them to believe that people are bad or wrong because of where or what color they were born, or what they like to wear, or whether or not they think Black Sabbath was better than the Stones (although that last one is really, *really* hard)–or at least, I’m not trying to.

I’m homeschooling them, but not because I don’t want them tainted by the breath of Unbelievers and their blasphemous evolution, or mixing with the mud races at junior high dances. I just want them to be smart when they grow up, is all.

I don’t have an Ipod, but I do have pirated Charlie Daniels, Jr. tracks on my hard drive.

I have both “Red Dawn” and “Project Runway” on my TiVo. I could probably hack yours to record the same.

My daughter can say ”please” and “thank you” in five languages, speaks Hebrew better than I, and looks like Hitler got to Photoshop Ava Braun into a propaganda poster.

I think I might be your worst nightmare.”