Why Do Women Settle?
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007By Lady Guinevere - Guest blog
Sphere: Related ContentSnoop rants fairly often about inter-personal things, usually involving the stupidity of someone that results in repeated doses of them experiencing pain of some sort.Often, his remarks are aimed at women who (for a myriad of reasons) are involved with a male who is treating them badly and/or is going to eventually end up hurting them badly. He therefore questions what causes an otherwise sane or desirable woman to seek, stay, keep or otherwise maintain contact with males who are not acting respectfully or kindly towards them.
He has also been known to state that all men are pigs, and advise most women to therefore treat all members of that gender as potential suspects.So I thought I’d throw my two cents at that topic, and him.
The topic appears to have two components or issues: (1) Why do women with lots to offer settle for relationships with men who have a lot less to offer and (2) If all men are pigs, then should any woman really trust any man to treat her well, long term?
So, let’s address the first issue first.
Why do women settle? For a lot of the same reasons men settle. They are lonely. They have low self esteem. They are too trusting. They think they see potential or can change bad behaviors with enough love.
They love a challenge. They want to help. They need abuse. They are rebelling against someone or something. They are re-living their mother (or grandmother)’s life, trying for better or different outcomes.Whatever the reason, most people do not hook up with someone who is exactly like them. Many people do not like themselves well enough to want a mate who is their exact clone, in the other gender. So they are attracted to people who have different attitudes or behaviors. And any time there is any kind of disparity, there is the potential for friction on those points of difference.
The one thing that could save a lot of future tears is an insistence that no matter what disparities or differences exist, mutual values and a high degree of respect be present. If a couple has similar goals in life, and each respects the other, that increases the chances they will not end up wanting to escape (or being beat down to an emotional pulp).
But what about a situation where mutual goals or respect existed (or appeared to exist) but things later change? What do you do when someone is such a good pretender that he (or she) fooled you on even those
points?This brings us to the second issue. Should any woman ever completely trust any man (or to put it more broadly, should any person ever completely trust any other person)?
If in fact all men are truly pigs, as Snoop often states, then why would any woman with half a brain ever fully trust that any man will be true and stay true? How can any woman who doesn’t implant a listening device on her man’s body believe that he is not wanting to cheat, at the very least? How can she ever trust him to love her, and not hurt her, forever, if his pig nature is always there, urging him to hurt her?
A SNOOP TIMEOUT FOR A VIDEO CLIP……The relationship pundits are pretty uniformly united in stating that trust is a vital element in any healthy union. Without a lot of trust, few people would be able to relax enough to be themselves and feel truly safe and loved. Trust is a fragile thing; it can be lost forever if abused too often or badly. But without some trust, it is doubtful that any relationship of any kind could ever begin, let alone flourish.
So the basic answer is that trust should exist, and be given, by anyone wanting to be friends (let alone mates) with another human.But whom should we trust? And why? And when to withdraw that trust? Those are the real questions.
It is a very bad idea to completely trust someone you do not know very well. Just as any prudent parent would not hand their beloved child over to a complete stranger, so too should a mature woman be wary of giving their full faith or whole heart into the hands of someone whom they have not even met face to face yet. It takes time, lots of quality time,
to really get to know someone else. Especially if they are adept at hiding their true nature or motives. So the best advice is for all adults to keep in mind that just because someone tells you something (anything) it is not necessarily the complete truth.The main things are to pay attention and to talk all kinds of things out, a lot. And don’t just talk to the other person. Also talk with and to the people involved or who care about you. As long as there are two or more human beings, there are bound to be misunderstandings. But some people are just better or more habitual liars. They may not be out-right lying, but the chances are high that there are facts that are omitted. It takes a lot of time for most people to truly “come clean”
and be themselves, all the time. Some people never do it! So you need to have more then one set of ears listening to him. Use your trusted friends or family members, people who are guaranteed to be honest with you about what they think or observe (then listen); they may not be as
blinded by other things (like lust or loneliness). And if you find that your new sweet heart has lied about minor things, the chances are better that he also lies about major issues!In choosing whom to trust, using just your heart, or your head, or your gut will not insulate you from being conned or misled. You must use all three, and lots of time, to get “to the bottom” of someone else’s psyche. Meet his friends and family; get to know them all, in their familiar setting. If the guy can’t let you into that part of their life (very far) there is definitely something rotten in Denmark!
And take time - a year at least - before making any firm commitments. If you haven’t seen someone when they are truly in ill health, you do not know them all that well! Don’t rush to make judgements, good or bad. But don’t waste a ton of time trying to reform someone. If they treat you badly, at first, their behaviors are not going to get better in the future!But even with all of those traps set, and run, and all tests passed with flying colors, it is still possible for a woman to trust a man and get badly hurt by him. Sometimes she just gets fooled. He was a good liar, she was too naive to see the truth, etc. Sometimes he just changes. People do change. It happens. Move along.
But people also sometimes let themselves in for a world of avoidable new hurt by making excuses for bad behaviors. If he is rude to you and/or to others, or lies to you or others, right from the start - chances are that is his true nature. Pay attention. Leopards do not change spots. They just manage to hide them from some people. Don’t be stupid. Unless you like pain!
So, if someone has proven to you that they cannot be trusted, what then? When is conduct an act of betrayal or a breach of trust, as opposed to a stupid mistake? Those are the hard ones.
Betraying someone whom you love or who loves you, for purely selfish reasons, is one of the most hurtful things anyone can do to someone else. Everyone is going to do dumb things that disappoint or hurt their loved ones. But an act of betrayal, something that shows your beloved thinks that your well-being is not very important (when compared with theirs) that is harder to overcome or ignore. It becomes a cost benefit analysis. What do you stand to gain by working through the betrayal of trust, versus what would you lose. Is how you are or were treated not so bad, all things considered? Or are you just hanging onto hope out of habit or fear of having nothing else in the wings?
The longer you’ve been together, the harder it is to throw in a towel (for many people). They don’t want to have wasted all that time and energy, without having a lot to show for it. So they hang on and make more excuses. But the larger and more serious the betrayal, or if it’s a repeated conduct, the much more likely it is that the relationship is irrevocably broken or reduced to an unimportant one.
Whatever you do, do not lose your own self-respect. If you do not respect yourself, it is almost impossible to get respect from anyone else. And without respect, no relationship can be happy or healthy.
At some point, the only healthy and loving thing to do is to escape from certain kinds of emotional abuse. And someone who betrays the trust of a loved one is indeed abusing them and the relationship! So don’t put up with a pig and then complain about being in a pig pen mess!
If you put up with enough pain, you may eventually grow to like it, or at least tolerate it.So the safe thing to do is pay attention, right at the start. If he (or she) is not treating you like you want and need to be treated, the chances are real good that there will not be some big change for the better in the future. Walk away soon and early, while you still haven’t expended too much of your time and heart. Do not settle for a pig.
And if you find yourself hooked on someone who treats you badly most of the time, the only things you can do are admit you alone can control how much longer you will tolerate that treatment and then walk away when you have finally had enough. There are far worse things then being alone.
Besides, no truly great woman is ever alone for long, unless she likes it that way!


















